“Three score years and ten.” We all know the biblical reference to a full life span, but taking 70 years of age as an average ‘life expectancy' in a population has only been achieved, even in the most prosperous countries, during the twentieth century. Throughout history many babies have died at or around birth, and large numbers of children have not lived beyond the age of five. Insanitary living conditions, appalling working practices and epidemics have led to numerous diseases that are particularly dangerous for the very young. Until modern advances in medical care and the access to medicines, millions of people have died unnecessarily. There were large numbers of bereaved parents. The C20 th brought dramatic changes, so that most of those born into the developed world can expect to reach those 70 years. What was so common before – the death of one's child – is now a statistical rarity.
The Compassionate Friends (TCF) was formed some 35 years ago by a hospital chaplain and a group of bereaved parents who recognised the lack of support and understanding they were receiving from those who had not suffered in this way. This leaflet aims to share the experiences of all of us bereaved parents and most especially those aspects which came upon us so suddenly and, sometimes, with no warning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do we mean by ‘sudden death'? It often results from an accident: there are risks that can lead to fatalities all around us, wherever we are. Some of our children have died by murder, some by their own hand, and others have died in ways not yet fully explained – Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), or Sudden Adult Death/Arrhythmia Disorder Syndrome (SADS). There are fatal illnesses that strike swiftly, like certain types of meningitis, or heart conditions. Each cause of death can bring its own special pain to family members. A death abroad or somewhere not local to us presents different practical problems from those in our home area. So what do we mean by ‘sudden death'? Some bereaved parents will say that any child's death is sudden to his parents, even if the child had been diagnosed as terminally ill for a long time.
We will spend the rest of our lives reliving those dreadful moments when we were told of – or, even worse, witnessed – the death of our son or daughter. Very slowly, the truth came through and we were deluged by emotions of a kind that we had not known before. We knew from the face of the person who came to break the news that something was terribly wrong, but we may have been unable to grasp what was being said to us. The police officer, the doctor, or whoever had the task, may have had to repeat the words over and over to us. If the death had been caused by an accident, we may ourselves have been the ones who had to call for help and then to watch as our precious child was taken away from us. We had other family members and friends to tell and may have blurted out the news in what may later have seemed an uncaring fashion. Many of us have used the expression ‘acting on autopilot' to describe the weird way in which we can behave, apparently calm, but in turmoil underneath.
We may have been advised not to see our child's body because of catastrophic injury or other changes. It helps to be given some explanation: information, however painful, is easier to handle than our imagination running riot. There may be photographs in records which we can ask to see later if this may help. It helps us to say farewell if we can stroke or bless an unmarked part of the body, a hand or a foot.
Most sudden deaths will involve the authorities being involved, to establish the cause of death. This will bring fresh pain, especially when it may seem all too obvious to us. The Coroner* has great powers and we may find that we have no rights over the body of our child until the investigation has been completed. If an Inquest is to be held, this may mean that we cannot finalise the preparations for a funeral. Another person may have been involved, murder or dangerous driving for instance, so a criminal trial may have to be held. We will need all of our inner strengths to endure the long, agonising rituals that the law demands. Some officials will express sympathy, but others will continue with their business, seemingly without thought for our anguish.
While we are coping with the effects on our family of our child's death, we may suffer what we see as intrusions on our privacy: the police, the law, the media. Most sudden and accidental or unexplained deaths will entail police investigations, acutely distressing and involving parents, siblings and others. We are struggling to cope with the horror of the sudden death of a loved one and the police are investigating a potential crime. Even when the rational part of us recognises that the role of the police or the law is necessary, our emotions still rebel at the intrusion. Where the media are concerned, many of us have found it better to issue a short statement and photograph, then requesting privacy in which to grieve. A friend or relative may be able to help with this duty. The extra time which these legal proceedings take is an added agony.
When ‘the body' was released to us – and how we hated hearing those official, cold terms – we could continue with the funeral arrangements. This is when the awful reality and uniqueness of our situation were likely to hit home. Most people's experiences of arranging a funeral have been for elderly relatives, who may have expressed their wishes during life. The circumstances of a sudden death mean that there was no chance to discuss them before, either with our dead child, our partner or other family members. Where could we begin? Those advising us, such as the funeral director or the priest, may have been equally unsure of how to treat this uncommon situation. We may find ourselves living in a nightmare of bewildering information to be absorbed and decisions to be made about something we never imagined, the funeral of our son or daughter. Some of us feel that having our child's body at home in the days before the funeral ‘slows down' the suddenness of the death, enabling us to continue caring for our child in these last days. Helping to dress our child for the funeral can do this too. (TCF has a leaflet, Preparing our child's funeral, which may be useful.) It is so hard for us to face and accept the fact that we can do no more for our child, that our physical caring is so suddenly over.
Where there is no body for us to bury or cremate, perhaps when our child has not been found, we may have great difficulty in accepting the fact of the death; we begin to understand the overpowering need to bring back our children after accidents abroad. It is even harder to pack away belongings than in other circumstances: it seems like a betrayal, because our child may yet come home. Information about where and how our child may have died can help, as can any written communication or other evidence. Sometimes this searching for proof makes us feel guilty, as if we were wishing our child dead. This is not so: we are just wanting, needing, the truth, however painful it may be. If our child has died abroad and we are unable to visit, a photograph of that place may be of help.
Children's funerals often attract a larger than normal congregation, because there will be several generations affected. If the death had been reported in the media, there will be strangers who ‘want to pay their respects'. This can bring added stress.
All deaths bring legal tasks that have to be performed, some of them unfamiliar and unexpected. Some of us may have dealt before with these tasks, but when it is for our own child it is much more painful. The older the child, the more likely that there may be more complex matters to deal with. If our child had been living away from home, perhaps with a partner, there may be confusion about who has the legal duties as ‘next of kin'.
After the initial weeks have passed, we may want to think through all our actions that we have been forced to take, some of them in a hurry and without full consultation with our loved ones. Some of those actions are bound to be ‘wrong' – why didn't we have a funeral service more suited to the age of our child's friends? Why did we not have a burial? We can do nothing about some decisions, and must console ourselves that we were only doing our best as we saw it at the time. In other cases, we can introduce our new thoughts, perhaps by having a memorial service with a different theme from that of the funeral.
There are many ways we can alleviate our grief in a small way, by working for a charity that tries to help prevent further deaths of the kind that our child suffered, by putting our thoughts and fears into poetry or prose.
The reading of this leaflet may be your first real contact with TCF. We hope it has given you a little comfort, perhaps showing you that your pain and worries are shared by others. TCF publishes over 30 leaflets, on different aspects of grief which follows the death of a child. All of them are available at no charge to bereaved parents and siblings (but a small donation is, of course, always welcome). If you would like to hear more about our work you could ring our Helpline on 0845 123 2304 and you will be able to talk to one of our volunteers, all of them bereaved parents. He or she could give you the number of a Local Contact, who could visit if you wished, and give you details of any Local Group which may meet regularly in your area. You could also find out from them details of our occasional Retreats, when a small number of bereaved parents meet and can talk and meditate in peaceful surroundings. Most years there is an Annual Gathering, to which all members are invited.
TCF runs a website at www.tcf.org.uk , which is increasingly popular. A quarterly journal, Compassion, is produced, containing articles and poems written by our members about their own experiences. Those who wish for further reading matter may borrow from our Postal Library at under1roof, Ground Floor, 5a New Road Avenue, Chatham, Kent ME4 6BG, telephone number 01634 814146.
General enquiries, and details of how to become a subscribing member and take part in our activities may be directed to the Office at 53 North Street, Bristol BS3 1EN; tel: 0845 120 3785; fax: 0845 120 3786; email: info@tcf.org.uk .>
* The Law, and the way it operates, differs throughout the UK. Terms in this leaflet are those used in England and Wales; The Scottish Executive and The Northern Ireland Office, amongst others, produce very useful booklets with the appropriate terminology.
This leaflet may be printed for personal use only. You can order one or more printed copies from our order page should you wish to pass this leaflet on to someone else.
This page is maintained by the TCF Webmaster
Copyright © 2000
by The Compassionate Friends.