The death of our child is always devastating, but suicide is a particularly cruel form of death for the surviving family and friends. How can our child have been so full of despair that he or she felt that death was preferable to life? Additionally, the families of children who have died by suicide have to cope with the police, an inquest, and possibly the media, as well as the ever-present and unanswerable question “Why?”.
We hope that by reading about the feelings that others have experienced, and some of the thoughts that have helped them, you will at least feel that you are not alone in your grief. At the end of this leaflet there are details about our support group, Shadow of Suicide (SoS), and other information which may help you to survive.
Whatever the circumstances surrounding the death, no parent is ever prepared for the suicide of their child. Even for those families who have lived for years with mental illness, repeated attempts at death and their child's lack of belief that the future may be better, the actual death is still a profound shock. For some parents there is no such introduction; the suicide comes out of the blue, the police are at the door telling you something you cannot begin to believe. Some parents may not have seen their child for months or years; for others, their lives were closely entwined and their child lived, and even died, in the family home. Each suicide has its own story which the family must unravel in their own way. The common threads are the feelings: numbness, shock, disbelief, and then the questions. And all this is before the pain of grief and loss truly begins.
Most parents find themselves tormented by unanswered questions and feel a deep need to try to understand why their child killed themselves. For many, there is a huge element of self-blame in these questions: what did we fail to see? why did he not ask us for help? what support did we not get for her? Suicide can feel like the ultimate failure of parenting. These feelings can be very painful for close family and friends who can see they are not true or logical, but are nevertheless totally real to the grieving parent. Anger and blame are powerful emotions in these early days. For some people, finding convincing or adequate reasons for the suicide proves elusive, leaving many unanswered questions. While we seek a reason for our child's action (in a broken relationship, inadequate mental health care, bullying, pressure of exams, a lost job, for example) we still ask ourselves, “how could you do this – to yourself and to us?”.
A death by suicide inevitably involves the police, the coroner (procurator fiscal in Scotland) and an inquest, with the possibility of media interest since the coroner's court is open to press and public. The TCF leaflet On Inquests (in England and Wales) may be helpful. If there is media interest, it is often a good idea to release a brief statement, together with a photograph of your child, so that accurate information is used. You can then ask them to respect your need for privacy in your grief. There will be a verdict, which may not agree with the family's understanding of what happened and which may be some months after the event. For a verdict of suicide to be recorded there has to be clear evidence of intent; many suicide deaths, however, are given an open verdict. Some find this helpful, but it can hurt a family wanting honesty, openness and a lack of ambiguity.
Every death leaves a huge gap; there has been an amputation, someone is missing and can never be replaced. Suicide brings added complications to the bereaved family. Although the days when suicide was regarded as a criminal or sinful act are thankfully in the past, some families do discover how hard it can be to talk openly about suicide, how uncomfortable even close friends can feel about the tragedy, and how this can lead to isolation. There can also be differences, as well as togetherness, even within the immediate family, in the way each person views the past as well as in their interpretation of the death. These different interpretations can be very divisive. Misunderstandings can grow as each parent pursues their own road. Rifts can widen and real estrangement can occur, even between those partners who thought themselves to be close before. Marriages and partnerships do break down in the aftermath of the death of a child, and can be especially vulnerable after a suicide.
It takes great determination and forbearance to hang on during these conflicts, to avoid being destructive, and to respect each other's view of the truth. Those who do manage to survive and stay together sometimes look back at this horrendous period of turbulence and wonder how they came through it together. Support from a close friend, or some professional counselling, may help one or both partners through this time. As well as differing views of past events, there are often major differences in the way we grieve; each partner needs to give the other space, respect and understanding. There may be feelings of anger, blame and guilt as well as grief, and these may create conflict at a time when the family wants to be able to support one another. Each member of the family will have to make his or her own journey through grief, and eventually come to an understanding of what has happened. Every family is a collection of individuals and many experience the feeling that they are ‘together … but alone'.
It is almost impossible to find a way of explaining suicide to young children, yet it is vital that children do know what is going on, so that they do not feel excluded from the family. While we do not want to burden them with terrible details, it is better that they hear the truth from us rather than in the playground or on television. We do need to find a way of being honest, to avoid saying something they will later discover was a lie or a pretence. We will also want to ensure that others close to the child are giving a similar explanation. Many people feel that the idea of a loved brother or sister deciding to die is not one which a child can or should be expected to understand. Perhaps we should not try to explain too much; we need to reply honestly to their questions, to hug and to hold, to reassure them that they are loved, that we share their grief. As our children grow older, their understanding of death, and of suicide, will mature and we can talk to them in different language. It is a subject we should not avoid discussing as the years go by and our children approach adulthood.
Older brothers and sisters may find it very hard to share their thoughts and emotions with their parents. They may feel furiously angry at their dead sibling for destroying the family, for leaving them to cope with grief and chaos, or they may blame their parents for not being able to prevent it happening. Yet, though witnessing their parents' grief and not wishing to add to it, they may not feel able to share these thoughts. Great rifts and silences can open up without anyone intending this to happen. Their feeling of isolation can be terrifying. For a few, suicide also brings the dreadful added possibility of following their dead brother or sister, if the pain gets too bad: “I can always do what they did”. Parents, too, can share this fear and watch their surviving children with anguish, full of foreboding as well as grief, and yet unable to help. It is helpful for the surviving children to have someone they can talk to, and this person will often be outside the immediate family. Parents can make sure that school, the families of close friends, religious and club leaders know what has happened. However painful it is, the family needs to keep sharing and talking, to weep together, and to avoid the trap of suppressing feelings lest they hurt. It will help our children to let them see that we hurt too.
The funeral can be especially demanding when the death has been by suicide. Careful preparation and guidance from sympathetic friends and clergy can help us to focus on our child's life, rather than the manner of his or her death. It can be hard to do this, so near to the actual death, and while our minds are still full of unanswered questions. Each family has to find their own way of creating a funeral that is fitting for their child. (See TCF leaflet Preparing our child's funeral ).
For a single parent, with or without surviving children, this is a terrible and lonely time. There are special issues, too, for parents whose only child has died and for stepfamilies. You need to let family and friends support you, not turn them away because they cannot understand the true depths of your loss. Help from your child's grieving friends can be a most surprising source of strength, and you may be able to support each other. TCF has leaflets on these special circumstances, and a support network for those who are now childless; details of this group are available from the National Office.
As the weeks pass, the inquest takes place, and the family begins to try to pick up the threads of life again. Yet for many the unanswerable questions are still there. There is still a great need to retell our story, to try to piece together the events that led up to the suicide, to talk to those who were involved. Some of us find it a help to write the story of our child's life and death, that doing this brings the multitude of strands into some sort of order and perspective. For those who do not share these needs, this can seem obsessive and unreasonable. Some family members find it easier than others to accept that they can never totally understand another's mind and that we do have to live with partial knowledge. These differences can make grieving together very hard. Friends are often at a loss, not knowing what to say or do, and the bereaved parent will sometimes feel that their friends cannot help because they have not experienced such a disaster in their own lives. Some friends will persist, even when their efforts are rejected, but others may back off, leaving us feeling deserted and betrayed. But we do not have to feel alone.
The Compassionate Friends (TCF) has a group, Shadow of Suicide, where every family has endured a similarly devastating experience. Sometimes the SoS group is the only lifeline; the bond between a group of parents bereaved by suicide can be very strong. We can share memories of our children, both sad and happy, and can tell our stories as often as we need without fear of rejection or a lack of understanding. Parents meet in various ways: by attending group meetings, by visiting one-to-one, on the telephone, by writing letters or e-mails and through TCF's website or quarterly journal Compassion. The annual TCF Gathering offers SoS parents a chance to meet others from across the country, perhaps those with whom they have been corresponding, as well as parents bereaved in many other ways.
TCF has a Postal Library with more than 1,000 titles, plus audio and visual tapes. There is a special section on suicide, which many parents find helpful in their quest for understanding. Details are given at the end of this leaflet, together with a brief book list. Siblings have their own quarterly newsletter, SIBBS (Support In Bereavement for Brothers and Sisters); this often contains letters and articles on suicide and can be an important way for siblings to realise that they, too, are not alone.
The lives of parents and families are irreversibly changed by suicide. Some of us have found that counselling can help us through this devastating time. If you need help choosing a counsellor, ask your doctor, religious leader or local Social Services department for advice.
At first, and often for some time, it seems impossible even to imagine finding peace of mind and heart. However, almost imperceptibly over the months and years, adjustment does come and it is possible to rebuild our lives and to move forward, carrying with us our love for our child. We must give ourselves time to heal the deep wound and to learn to survive.
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by The Compassionate Friends.