The Compassionate Friends (TCF) is an international organisation of bereaved parents. Members offer support and friendship not only to each other but also to other parents and families after the death of their son or daughter. Over thirty leaflets, looking at different aspects of bereavement, are produced by TCF in the UK, and this one focuses on a schoolchild's loss of a brother or sister . The effect of the death of one child in the family, on any surviving siblings, is of great importance. The intention of this leaflet is to enable your school, where the bereaved siblings are pupils, to support any such children in your care, and to reflect on the needs of their families. There is also the opportunity in these sad circumstances for your school to assist your other pupils, both for themselves and in their efforts to help a friend or classmate.
In the primary school
In the past, people have sometimes underestimated the impact of death upon young children. While it is true that their understanding of death develops over a prolonged period of time, it is clear that young children can suffer deeply as a result of the death of a member of their family. This suffering is more intense when they do not have opportunities to talk or to grieve openly, and do not feel that those close to them recognise their feelings - even though they themselves may not yet have the words to express them.
Reactions to bereavement can include withdrawal, open distress, tears, panic, aggression, anxiety, fear or other signs of stress. Bereaved children may act out this stress in unexpected ways, such as nervous giggling, stoical bravery, untypical aggression, becoming the class clown, or total denial - all these are normal grief reactions. They may also become extremely tired, to the point of exhaustion, as so much emotional energy goes into dealing with the loss and the stress of the changes in the family. For some children, there may be additional terrors; if the death has been referred to as ‘falling asleep' or ‘being taken', then it is sometimes the case that children become afraid of going to bed or to sleep. Words like ‘loss' or ‘lost' can put fear into a young child's mind, too.
It is essential that all staff, including ancillary staff, know about the bereavement, so that they can respond sensitively.
When the report of the death first comes to school, it may be appropriate for the form teacher (of each bereaved sibling), to talk to the class, to create opportunities for them to ask questions and discuss how they can help their bereaved classmate. On the child's return to school, even close friends may need encouragement to voice difficult feelings, to say, “I'm sorry your brother died”. One of the key ‘hurts' which bereaved children recall is the feeling that few people, if any, acknowledged their loss.
Most children welcome the opportunity to talk privately to an adult about their loss. Even if the child cannot verbalise his or her feelings, it is helpful for a trusted teacher to show sympathy (without saying “I know how you feel”), and to use words like sad, lonely, upset, afraid, so that the child realises the school knows about the death. The family may be so overwhelmed by the trauma that little individual acknowledgement is given to the child's feelings when they are at home.
Some children need a retreat when grief overtakes them, and it helps if the school accepts a pupil's need to express their grief, providing a ‘safe place' and a trusted adult to be with them. Once the bereaved child returns to school routine, it is helpful to share concerns with parents so that they know how he or she is coping in school. Most families appreciate some sort of direct communication from the school, especially if the child who has died was a former pupil.
Books, stories, music and art can be very helpful in exploring loss, both with the class and with the bereaved child. There are many excellent books written on bereavement for different ages of children, both in the fact and fiction sections, now available from shops, libraries or the web, and many school libraries have a selection of such recommended publications. Sensitivity is needed so that deep grief is not triggered at an inappropriate time. For example, a school assembly using the book Badger's Parting Gifts might help the school to explore grief and loss, but not when a newly-bereaved child is present.
The grief caused by the death will be long-lasting, and schools need to recognise that anniversaries and celebrations will be difficult - especially the first birthday and Christmas or other religious festivals. It will help if key dates and times are noted and passed on to the next class teacher or next school, along with other records and information. As children mature, the death is felt and questioned at new levels, both emotionally and intellectually, often causing renewed grief and distress.
Classmates, especially close friends of the bereaved boy or girl, or of the child who has died, will suffer varying grief reactions. Their teachers will probably need the support of colleagues at this time; they might need to be reassured that their ideas for giving comfort to the children are wise, and that they will be of benefit to those in their care. Many younger teachers themselves may not have experienced bereavement, especially of this kind, before.
If the dead child was a pupil at your school, you might feel it appropriate to send a representative to the child's funeral or a Memorial or Thanksgiving service – if the family are in agreement with this idea. Also, in these circumstances, the child's books and work should be kept carefully and returned to the family by a teacher at a suitable time.
In the secondary school
Much of the above applies equally to older children; however, while being older may make it easier to comprehend the permanence of death, additional burdens affect the adolescent. Family relationships may already be strained by approaching adulthood, and the bereavement may bring older children more responsibilities. School staff need to accept that there are many different ways of grieving; pupils may develop their own support structures and choose not to share these with an adult.
Embarrassment may make it hard for teenagers to acknowledge deep feelings while at school. Much will depend on the quality of the relationship which a class or pastoral tutor has with the pupil. The worst thing that the school can do is to keep silent, failing to acknowledge the loss and the pain. Friends may need encouragement to talk openly about the death, and sometimes boys find it especially hard to express their sympathy in words. Sadly, it is a recognised fact that, especially among teenagers, problems can arise as a result of what they see as unfair attention given to a bereaved member of their school community. Resentment builds up and bullying can replace concern and support. These issues, hopefully, should be less difficult to deal with when the school has a teaching programme in tutor group periods, Religious Studies or Personal Health and Social Education that includes regular work on loss, death, emotions and life skills.
How the school can help (in addition to the suggestions in the Primary section)
Communication is a vital issue. School policies should cover systems for sharing information about personal traumas with all those who have contact with the pupil. It is helpful to have a key member of staff to take direct responsibility for talking to the pupil (and to their friends), to be available when needed, to make crisis contingency arrangements, and to pass on information to relevant people.
School routines, music and drama, sport and homework may actually offer a feeling of security and normality to a grieving teenager, especially when the family home is in turmoil. However, grief often brings additional problems of both exhaustion and lack of concentration that may affect their work for some time to come.
Communication with the family is still important, though it may be less direct or frequent when children are older. It is necessary to remember the bereavement on occasions such as Open Evening, when progress is discussed. When the bereavement is recent, the taking of exams, or some of them, may need to be postponed until a pupil is better able to cope with the additional stress. Long-term awareness and communication are necessary as the pupil progresses through the school, especially when large numbers of staff are involved.
School responses to the death of one or more pupils
While all the issues raised earlier will apply, a death within the school community raises whole-school issues that need careful thought and consideration. Increasingly, schools develop such policies in advance, and some LEAs offer guidance and specific support. The key issues seem to be:
• the need to tell all pupils and staff what has happened so that rumour is dispelled and everyone is in possession of the facts. Class, year group, or whole-school assembly is usually the most appropriate way to do this;
• direct communication by letter with parents informing them of the situation and alerting them to the distress their children may be suffering;
• pastoral/emotional support for those most closely affected;
• the need for prepared strategies to prevent the media causing extra stress;
• the need to give thought to the attendance of pupils and staff at the funeral(s);
• the healing effects of a later occasion when the school community can come together to remember, mourn and celebrate the life of the individual(s);
• the setting-up of a permanent memorial such as an award, a tree, or special place helps to acknowledge the event in the future.
Schools today place pastoral care high on their agenda. There is concern not only for the academic and intellectual development of children, but also for their social, emotional, physical and their spiritual needs as well. The school that has considered the issues discussed in this leaflet will be better prepared and able to support their pupils if tragedy strikes. When loss and death are part of integrated teaching programmes, considered in school and class assemblies, and when staff have formulated policies and discussed their own responses to bereavement, when the need to acknowledge feelings and emotions is an accepted part of the school ethos, then the school community will be supportive towards a bereaved child. Bereaved parents (and grandparents) appreciate the thoughtfulness, planning and effort that goes into the care of their children, especially at times of great distress for all in their family.
Am I still a sister? Alicia Sims
Big A & Co, 1986. ISBN 0-9618995-0-6
Badger's parting gifts Susan Varley
HarperCollins, 1992. ISBN 000 664 3175
Remembering my brother Ginny Perkins
A&C Black, 1996ISBN 0-7136-4541-5
Waterbugs and dragonflies Doris Stickney
Mowbray, 1997. ISBN 0 264 66904 5
Charlotte's web E. B. White
Penguin, 1993. ISBN 014 036 4498
My brother Joey died Gloria Houston
TCF (USA), 1982. ISBN 0-671-42401-7
When someone dies: help for young people coping with grief Dwaine Steffes
Cruse Bereavement Care, 1997 (student edition). ISBN 0 900 321 113
Your friend, Rebecca Linda Hoy
Heinemann Educational, 1992. ISBN 043 512 3882
Forgotten mourners, The: Susan Smith
guidelines for working with bereaved children
Jessica Kingsley, 1999 (2nd edition). ISBN 1 85302 758 8
Good Grief - No. 2: Over 11s and adults Barbara Ward
Jessica Kingsley, 1995 (2nd edition). ISBN 1 85302 340 X
Homemade books to help kids cope: Robert Ziegler
an easy to learn technique for parents and professionals
Magination Press (USA), 1992. ISBN 0-945354-50-9
Talking with children and young people about death and dying Mary Turner
Jessica Kingsley, 1999. ISBN 1 85302 563 1
When someone dies: how schools can help bereaved students Dwaine Steffes
Cruse Bereavement Care, 1997 (teachers' edition). ISBN 0 900321 10 5
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by The Compassionate Friends.