Introduction ... ... ... ... ... ... 3
Bringing the news ... ... ... ... ... 3
Missing children ... ... ... ... ... 4
Immediate practicalities ... ... ... ... 4
When a murder happens abroad ... ... ... 4
Telling your surviving children ... ... ... 5
Caring for your child's body ... ... ... ... 5
The police ... ... ... ... ... ... 6
Victim Support ... ... ... ... ... 6
The media ... ... ... ... ... ... 7
Who killed my child? ... ... ... ... ... 7
The post-mortem ... ... ... ... ... 8
The inquest ... ... ... ... ... ... 8
The funeral ... ... ... ... ... ... 9
What happens next? ... ... ... ... ... 10
The trial ... ... ... ... ... ... 10
The aftermath ... ... ... ... ... ... 12
Feelings and emotions ... ... ... ... ... 12
Unresolved murders ... ... ... ... ... 13
Looking to the future ... ... ... ... ... 14
The shock of being told that someone has killed your child must be one of the most extreme traumas that any parent has to face. Every parent who has been confronted with the sudden death of their son or daughter, at whatever age, knows that shock - your whole family's existence, the totality of life itself, is changed for ever in an instant, as the words are spoken. Sometimes the shock protects you from reality for a while; you seem to be watching the tragedy unfold through the wrong end of a telescope, this dreadful news is not about you, not about your family. But it is.
For the parents who are told their child has been murdered, there is so much to confront, for murder is always
SUDDEN - there is no preparation for this moment,
VIOLENT - someone has destroyed the life of your child in an act of violence,
DELIBERATE - someone has intentionally committed this deed.
For most people, the police are the bearers of the terrible news, and they usually arrive unannounced at your door. There is no easy way to give or receive such news, but the manner in which it is brought is important. There is a need for clear information, stated in a compassionate way and in everyday language. When people are in shock, they may not take in what is being said to them, so repetition is important, as is the opportunity to ask questions. For this reason, it also helps if the police leave contact details in writing. In the best police practice, your family is assigned a `family liaison officer', whose job it is to keep you regularly informed.
The police may not have all the information you need; they may not be able to tell you how, or even when, your child died, whether death was quick, whether your child knew what was happening to him or her, whether they knew the murderer, whether they suffered. Even at this early stage, the police must focus on arresting the offender, who may be one of the family.
A different set of circumstances arises when your child is missing but no body is found. There is still hope that she or he is alive and well. This hope may be abruptly shattered by the discovery of their body, or it may fade over time - and their body may never be found. Both uncertainty and knowledge are terrible in their different ways.
There is a desperate need to tell the family, yet you may be in such a state of shock that clear thinking is impossible. The police usually try to make sure that someone, maybe a close friend, can be with you to begin the necessary telephone calls and communications. Murder deaths have added urgency. There are two pressing needs: your need to tell family and close friends before they hear it through the media, and the need for the police to begin their investigations as quickly as possible. The death becomes public property as soon as it is defined as murder, and the family has no control over what information is released. It can be very difficult to reach all those extended family members and close friends you would wish to tell before the news is made public. The presence of the media, whether you feel this to be intrusive or helpful, is an added burden.
There is a further complication if the murder has been committed in the family home. The police investigation will demand that the home is sealed to protect the evidence, and there can be no access. Thus, at a most crucial time, you are deprived of your familiar base - and may also be separated from vital possessions, such as clothes, money, address books, photographs etc. Later, there can also be emotional and practical problems in reopening and retaking possession of the place in which your child has been killed.
Circumstances are even more complicated if your son or daughter is murdered in another country. You may be left feeling powerless and out of control. You will have to cope with that country's legal system as well as with problems of language and communication. Some countries must complete burial or cremation with great swiftness. Even while you are in the first numb stages of shock, you may need to act very quickly if you wish to bring your child's body home, or if you want an independent post-mortem. The cost of travel, of translating documents and of obtaining local legal advice may prevent you from doing all that you would wish. Later, if a trial is held abroad, misunderstandings can easily arise; it can be very hard to follow the proceedings and to understand what is happening and why. In some countries Victim Support can help; you can ask the national Victim Support officer in this country for information, as well as the Foreign Office here and the British Embassy in the country where your child was killed.
When a murder occurs, normality ceases. It is not possible to protect your surviving children from this; they will be affected. Your aim should be to tell younger children enough to satisfy their questions at that time, to reassure them of your love for them, to tell them that you understand their feelings of fear and that the police are trying hard to catch the person responsible. While you will not want to burden them with terrible details, it is better that they hear the facts from you rather than in the playground. You do need to be honest, not to have secrets or pretend; even very young children know when the adults they love are distraught and it is usually better to be open about your feelings. It is hard enough to be a child at such a time, without the added worry of thinking "What are they not telling me?". Sharing hugs and tears, being physically close, will help the child to be able to grieve and to feel that the family is sharing in that grief.
Older brothers and sisters may find it almost impossible to share their thoughts and emotions with their parents. The overwhelming sense of destruction of the family unit, that the murderer has horrifically changed their lives, that they feel unable to help their parents - all these thoughts can cause great silences and rifts to open up. Just when you most need each other, and need to help each other, you can feel pushed far apart. Each family member needs the support of friends as well as family at this time.
As essential part of parenting is the physical care of your child's body and its needs; even when your son or daughter is an adult, the memory of such care is a powerful force. Murder makes it impossible for you to continue that care; your child's body becomes the property of the State rather than of the family. Many families suffer intense pain and anger at being prevented from caring and making proper arrangements for their child's body.
It is essential that someone identifies the body; this can be a most difficult and painful hurdle to overcome, especially where there has been visible injury. Yet, if the injuries are carefully explained, the reality can be less distressing than the imaginings. Your son or daughter's body will usually be seen at the mortuary and arrangements will vary. You do have the right to see your child, although you may not be able to touch him or her. Many families wish to see their child more than once and most mortuaries are increasingly understanding of this need, especially if there is likely to be a long delay in releasing the body into the care of a funeral director. At this time, you can ask for a lock of your child's hair. Before seeing your child, it is important that all the circumstances are explained clearly to you and to any other family or friends who visit, so that you are prepared to some extent.
Your family liaison officer should give you a Home Office pack called Information for the Families of Homicide Victims and draw your attention to important information within it. It can be hard to remember that the prime focus of police attention is finding the murderer, whereas you are primarily concerned about the death of your child. Police training does not always prepare officers adequately for the emotional issues which arise when a son or daughter has been murdered. You may need to seek help from other agencies, both professional and support groups, such as Support After Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM).
This service offers trained volunteers who may be experienced in helping families through the aftermath of murder. Your family liaison officer may be able to put you in touch with such a person. These volunteers may help with the practical issues and accompany you on some essential visits. They can also act as intermediaries for you with the police, coroner (or procurator fiscal in Scotland), mortuary officials, and other agencies, if you wish them to do so. When such trained volunteers are available, and the family has felt able to accept their help, the support may continue through the later events, including support at the trial. The Crown Court Witness Service can also be of great help.
It is hard but true that the press and other media will usually be interested in a murder. They see it as a gripping human interest story and will want to exploit it to the full. The police press officer may be able to help and advise the family in their contacts with the media, as may the Victim Support volunteer. The experience of families bereaved by murder suggests that it is a good idea to give the media a brief statement, together with a photograph of your child, so that accurate information is used. You can then ask them to respect your need for privacy in your grief. There are good and bad examples of journalists and photographers; it is advisable to suggest to friends and family that they should be cautious. It is often helpful to ask a friend to answer the phone at this time, so that incoming calls can be screened. The media, as well as the public, have the right to attend both the inquest and the trial, and the family needs to be prepared for that.
The key question for most parents is "Who did this, who killed my child?".
It is a dreadful truth that many murders are committed by a close family member or a person already known to the victim. If the person is not known to the family, then there is the added question "Why did he choose my child?". At first, you may not know who the murderer is, and people will react to this uncertainty in different ways. Some are consumed by a desire to know, as if their rage and grief will somehow be assuaged when they have a person to blame, when someone is caught. Other members of the family may feel they do not wish to know; they want to concentrate on grieving for the one who has died without the distraction of knowing who the murderer is.
However, the investigation will take its course and is not within your control. When the police have sufficient evidence, they will arrest someone; that person will be brought to trial and may be found guilty or not.
Reactions to the murderer can divide an already vulnerable family; it can be agonising to see loved ones consumed with hatred and the desire for vengeance, if these are feelings you do not share. Equally, the absence of displayed anger may be deeply perplexing to those who are raging about the person who has committed this terrible act.
Thinking about the murderer can also bring feelings of guilt into sharp focus; you may feel that if only your child had not gone to the park, to see that friend, gone out that evening, they would still be alive. The desire to `re-run the tape' can be overpowering. There can be an irrational but very real feeling that you have failed to protect your child. These feelings need to be shared with someone who is able to listen to them in an accepting way, rather than someone who will try to disprove them. This can be an area where counselling can be helpful. Those closest to you may find your guilt feelings not only misplaced but unbearably painful: a little distance and neutrality can help.
Immediately after the death, the police will report to the coroner (or procurator fiscal in Scotland) who will arrange for your child's body to be taken to the mortuary and for a pathologist to carry out a post-mortem to find out the cause of death. You have the right to ask for an independent post-mortem or for a copy of the pathologist's report; you can ask for it to be sent to your GP so that she or he can go through it with you and explain the details. You will need to ask about the possible cost of both. An added complication in death through murder is that each defendant has the right to ask for a separate post-mortem and this can delay the release of the body for the funeral.
(This does not apply in Scotland)
The coroner will open the inquest as soon as possible after the post-mortem. The inquest is an inquiry, conducted by a coroner, to establish the facts of the identity of the dead person and when, where and how the death occurred. The inquest is not concerned with who caused the death, because that will be investigated at the trial.
It will be necessary for someone to have identified your child's body and for that person to make a statement on oath; this statement can be presented in writing at the inquest. Once the cause of death and the current state of the police investigation are reported, the inquest will be adjourned, whilst the criminal investigation continues. It will not be formally closed until after the trial. If no-one is charged with the murder, than an inquest hearing will take place.
Throughout these procedures, the family should be kept informed. You have the right to instruct a solicitor both to ask questions on your behalf and to request that particular witnesses are called. It is the coroner who conducts these hearings and decides who should give evidence. However, you will not be allowed to claim legal aid for any legal expenses incurred.
After the initial inquest has established the cause of death, an interim death certificate can be given, although a formal death certificate will not be issued until the inquest is completed after the trial.
Your child's body will be released by the coroner only when she or he is satisfied that the defence has had the opportunity to ask for a post-mortem. This can lead to a very long delay, if the police inquiry is lengthy, or if no-one is charged. It causes great distress to family and friends when the funeral is delayed for weeks, or even months. During this time, the body is the responsibility of the coroner. Only when the coroner gives permission can you or your funeral director remove your child's body to a chapel of rest. Even if the case never comes to court, your child's body will ultimately be released for the funeral, although the police investigation will never be officially closed.
There are a number of detailed leaflets in the Home Office pack which you may find helpful. The Compassionate Friends also has leaflets on many relevant matters including On inquests and Preparing your child's funeral.
The long delay and the feeling that all living is suspended, that grieving is impeded, are removed when the body of your son or daughter is released for burial. There will have been time to reflect and plan for the funeral, to make it the tribute and farewell that you need for your child. TCF's leaflet Preparing your child's funeral suggests how you might achieve this, probably with the help of your chosen funeral director.
It is important to take control of the public aspects of the funeral. You may want a small private ceremony, or you may wish it to be an occasion when your local community can join family and friends in saying farewell. The media should respect your choice, but you need to make that choice known, so that an important and long-awaited day is not marred by unwanted intrusions.
The period of time after the funeral can be one when families feel isolated and lonely; the funeral has been the focus of attention, and there may now seem to be a withdrawal of interest and concern. There are some practical matters to attend to but the central issue remains unresolved. Contact with the police may be infrequent at this time if they have nothing to report; indeed, you may almost be made to feel that your legitimate enquiries are a nuisance ("We'll tell you when we have some news"). It may be helpful to agree that your Victim Support volunteer liaises with the police on your behalf, and that you meet together on a regular basis.
It is almost universal amongst victims' families that they feel vulnerable at this time. This may be made worse by hearing rumours about suspects, evidence, or even about your child's lifestyle.
When a suspect is arrested the police should inform you directly, and continue to update you on court hearings, changes of plea, applications for bail etc. If your Victim Support volunteer has had experience of the court procedures, he or she can be invaluable at this time.
When the case at last comes to court, there can be a feeling of relief, even though the wounds of grief are reopened. The family will have to make decisions and choices about who, if anyone, attends court; trials can be long and at a distance from home, so there may also be financial worries.
Careful preparations can do something to mitigate the ordeal. It is helpful to see the courtroom before the trial begins, and to know whether some seating is set aside for the family (not least so that you are not forced to sit beside the relatives of accused). Hopefully, you will have been told if new information is to be disclosed or if the defendant has changed his or her plea.
The pathologist's report on the post-mortem will include detailed description of the injuries to your child, for which you need to prepare yourselves. Scene of death photographs or other items of evidence may be passed to the jury; again, try to be prepared for this.
Once the legal proceedings begin, the role of the police can be a shock. During the investigation, the police have been in charge, in Scotland you will have been in touch with the procurator fiscal. Once the case comes to court, however, it is the judge and the lawyers, representing the legal system, who are in control. The lawyers are there to prosecute or defend; this can lead to manipulation and distortion, with no possibility of comeback from the victim's family. Parents often feel that they are representing their child in court, that they must be strong for them; but, unless they are called as witnesses, they have no voice. You may be distressed by how little your child is spoken of as a person during the trial, by how technical and legal the proceedings are, and by the intrusive presence of the media in court.
Both Victim Support and Witness Support volunteers can act as guides and can help with a press statement at the end of the trial.
When the accused enters a guilty plea, the proceedings can be very brief. This too can feel quite shocking to the family; little may have been said about the actual murder, and damaging comments about your child may go unchallenged.
The verdict and the sentence may be yet another great shock to the family. A `Not guilty' (or, in Scotland, a `Not proven') verdict leaves the whole question unresolved: is the jury mistaken, or did someone else kill our child? Even a `Guilty' verdict may generate feelings that the sentence is inadequate, that the murderer will be free to carry on with normal life before he or she has been properly punished. For others, however, there will be feelings of intense relief that the judgement has been made. If the defendant is convicted of murder, the sentence will automatically be `life'. However, no length of sentence to be served will be announced at the trial. The judge makes a recommendation to the Home Secretary. You may not be informed officially of the `tariff' (the time to be spent in prison) although it should be possible to find out.
The attention of the media will immediately focus on the family's reaction to the verdict and sentence; again, preparation can help, such as a prepared statement, read by a lawyer or other chosen person.
The family now has to learn to live with the outcome of the trial, the length of sentence, parole, remission, the possible continued presence of the murderer's family within their community and how they will feel when their child's killer is released, perhaps to return to his or her nearby home.
In the short term, many families suffer great emotional stress immediately after the ending of the court case and have much need of supportive friends. Many emotions may have been suppressed during the trial and these can now resurface in an overwhelming torrent of pent-up grief and rage.
The police are now free to return your child's possessions to you; they will have been held as evidence until this time. Sometimes this is handled insensitively and further distress caused. It is very painful suddenly to hold those things which your child had with them when they died. It can help to have a friend or Victim Support volunteer with you, and for the handing over to be done gently, in a private space, with some recognition of your grief.
With their work complete, the police inevitably move on to other cases and this too can leave families feeling isolated, ignored and rejected.
In the long term, each family member must find their own way of adapting to what has happened, a way of living with what cannot be changed, and of working through the pain and grief so that life can continue - albeit in a different way.
The traumatic and savage circumstances surrounding murder will inevitably create unbearable waves of emotion. As the shock and numbness wear off, you may wonder how it is possible to survive such extremes of anger, grief, rage, depression, guilt and sorrow. You do need to be able to express these emotions in one way or another. Some need to talk and weep, exhausting family, friends and maybe counsellors as they give words to their sorrow and devastation. Others may suffer from frightening physical symptoms such as palpitations, nausea, insomnia, and very specific physical pain; you may need your doctor to reassure you that these are symptoms of grief. Panic attacks are a common reaction in the families of murder victims, stemming from the understandable feeling that the world is suddenly a crazy, hostile place where unthinkable things occur without warning or reason. Depression is also normal, resulting in feelings of isolation and despair. It is natural to feel hostility, anger and hatred towards the person who killed your child, though not everyone does so. These feelings may focus on the suspect, if one is arrested, but can also be directed at the police, the law, other family members, or even against yourself. If no-one is caught, you may try to release the emotional vacuum through fantasy, especially the fantasy of revenge. If these intense negative emotions are not confronted, they can become buried in a way that will be damaging and may lead to later problems. Professional help, or the support of others who have been through a similar tragedy, can help you through these terrible feelings.
Many people bereaved by murder experience great difficulties when they try to resume their normal activities. Life seems meaningless and empty, things which before brought pleasure are now without attraction and even laughter brings a feeling of guilt. It can be very hard for friends to see such changes persisting for years after the murder; they wonder if you will ever live normally again. But it is not possible to hasten the process of reintegration into a world which so cruelly destroyed your child, you can only make the journey at your own pace.
Some families have to find a way of adapting to long-term uncertainty, perhaps never knowing what happened to their son or daughter, who killed them, or even whether he or she is alive or dead. For the police, an unsolved murder file is never closed, but the family needs to find a way of grieving which will make it possible to continue with the rest of their lives. Such anguish can never be fully understood by those who have not experienced it. Decisions will need to be made about the possibility of holding a memorial service, even though no body has been found. For some families, this feels like the abandonment of hope, but for others it is the right decision.
No-one can tell you how to survive this dreadful, life-shattering event. Each individual and each family has to tread their own path through the darkness. However, these are some ways which have helped the parents of murdered children with whom we talked as we prepared this leaflet:
• Working for a change in the law so that the same thing does not happen to others; laws governing the carrying of knives in Scotland were changed as a result of a campaign following the murder of a teenager, and the Snowdrop campaign petitioned against hand guns following the shootings at Dunblane.
• Creating a focus for good memories dedicated to your child: a seat in a public place, for example, a garden, a trust or award for a cause dear to you or your child.
• Learning over time to focus on the life, the joy your child gave you while they were alive. If the roles were reversed and you had been murdered, you would not want them to be consumed with hatred so that their life, too, was destroyed. Perhaps you can think of how your child would wish you to survive, to be strong and positive in memory of them.
It is a life-long struggle to find your own way of integrating the murder of your child into the fabric of the rest of your life. Just as The Compassionate Friends(TCF) was born out of the realisation that bereaved parents had very particular help to offer to other bereaved parents, so the Parents of Murdered Children (PoMC) offers the support that can only be given by those who can say truthfully "Yes, we know this pain, we have been there".
Others may think you are `getting over it' when they see you moving on with your life and outwardly in control of your emotions, but the turmoil and anguish may still rage within. It is then that self-help and befriending groups, who know the difference between the apparent outward normality and the constant inward struggle to maintain it, can offer true understanding and support as you endeavour to rebuild your family and to make long-term sense of the savage event which has destroyed a precious member of it.
Both PoMC and TCF are there to befriend, whenever families seek support. TCF has a range of leaflets, an extensive Postal Library, a quarterly Newsletter and a nationwide network of bereaved parents. PoMC has its own network of contacts too.
Despite your feelings now, and perhaps your imaginings too, you will find the strength to move on again. This does not mean leaving your child behind, but in some way carrying him or her forward with you. We never stop loving our child, and very slowly the good memories and photographs of our child's life that now cause such anguish do, in time, become a source of comfort and strength.
Further information can be obtained from:
The Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol BS3 1EN
Office Tel: 0845 120 3785 Fax: 0845 120 3786
Helpline Tel: 0845 123 2304
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by The Compassionate Friends.