In today's world, parents do not expect their child or children to die first. Yet every year, thousands of parents are faced with this reversal of normal expectations, this shattering of their hopes and dreams.
It is immensely difficult for these bereaved parents to rebuild their devastated lives. Relatives and friends are usually supportive at first, but, within weeks of the funeral, this support can diminish, at just the time when the parents and family are suffering especially deeply. The family may include surviving brothers and sisters, grandparents and other relatives. All will have had different bonds with the child; some may have an overwhelming need to talk of the one who has died, of their life and the seeming impossibility of continuing without them.
Relatives and friends, such as you, may want to help, yet feel inadequate, unsure of how best to support the bereaved parents. There is no magical solution to make things better, no simple formula that will be right for everyone, yet your help can mean so much. The Compassionate Friends (TCF) offers the following suggestions:
• Don't let your own sense of hopelessness or fear keep you from reaching out to a bereaved parent.
• Don't avoid them because you are feeling uncomfortable: being avoided by friends adds to an already painful and isolating experience.
• Don't tell them that such tragedies happen to only those who can survive, implying that they are special people chosen to suffer.
• Don't change the subject when they mention their child.
• Don't stop mentioning their child's name because you are scared of reminding them: they won't have forgotten.
• Don't talk too much about your own children and grandchildren.
• Don't presume to understand their grief because you have experienced the death of an elderly relative or a pet.
• Don't tell them what they should feel or ought to do. There is no timetable for grieving; each person has to do it in his or her own way.
• Don't remind them that they have other children - they are not interchangeable; or suggest that they can have another child - it could not replace the child who has died.
• Don't make any comment that suggests the care given to their child was inadequate: bereaved parents may be riddled with feelings of guilt and doubt without further promptings from others.
• Don't expect them to want to attend social functions: the small talk is often centred on enquiring about each other's family.
It will never be easy to know what to say when someone's child has died, however good our intentions may be. The following remarks commonly cause added distress:-
• “I know how you feel” (unless you, too, have been bereaved of a child).
• “You'll get over it” or “Time is a great healer” (the death of a child can never be got over and time does not heal, but things that make your hurt more bearable happen during that time).
• “S/he is in a better place”; “God only takes the best”; “The good die young”; “S/he is an angel in paradise”; “S/he had a complete life”; “S/he was specially chosen by God to do some special work for Him”; “S/he is only in the next room”. Regardless of your views, none of these remarks is of any consolation to a bereaved parent.
• Do b e open in showing your concern and caring: just by being there with them, a few words, a gentle touch, even sitting in silence, can be comforting.
• Do be available to listen, to help with the children, the elderly, pets, domestic chores.
• Do say that you are saddened by what happened to their child, and encourage them to talk about him or her as often as they want.
• Do allow them to express as much grief as they are willing to share; this may include despair, depression, anger, guilt, and, sometimes, other unexpected reactions.
• Do share your memories and talk about the special qualities of their child.
• Do reassure them that they did everything they could, and tell them of everything true and positive about the care given to their child.
• Do be patient: they may be unable to respond to offers of help while they are in deep shock. Ask again later.
• Do remember the needs of surviving brothers and sisters: they, too, are hurt and confused, possibly frightened, and in need of attention, which their parents may not be able to give at this time.
• Do stay around for the “long haul”, not only for the first few months.
There are many practical ways in which you can support and help a bereaved household. Prepared food is almost always welcome, dishes that are ready to eat, or just need warming. Offer to do the shopping or to accompany them - and be ready to come home early if you can see they are finding it too difficult. It may be less stressful for them to go to a supermarket out of their locality: in this way, they will see fewer people that they know. Perhaps, taking the children out would benefit the family as a whole - not so much for treats, but in circumstances where they can talk freely. They may not do so at home, because they fear that their parents could be upset by their questions, thoughts and worries. These will vary according to the ages of the children, and they may demonstrate their feelings indirectly. Games and sports can be useful outlets for emotions that are too difficult to be put into words. If there is a dog to be walked, the bereaved parents or children may appreciate some company.
Bereaved parents are jolted out of their normal life patterns; picking up the threads again can be very difficult, and may take a long time. They may feel unable to join in as they used to do: the devastation and enormity of their loss is so great. From time to time suggest a meal out, or a visit to a leisure centre, theatre, concert or cinema. The invitation may be turned down for some time, but eventually there will be a day when it will be accepted. Do, however, bear in mind the circumstances of the death: the parents of a child who drowned will be distressed by the suggestion of a relaxing swim. If suggesting a cinema or theatre trip, consider the subject of the film or play.
If you feel that there are financial difficulties, particularly over meeting the funeral costs, you may be able to organise a number of people to contribute towards a gift of money to help the parents, but be very sensitive about this. You could check with a Citizens Advice Bureau or a funeral director as to what arrangements there might be for financial support.
There may be belongings to be collected from places outside the home. Offer to accompany the parents, or to go for them if they would prefer that.
Correspondence arriving for the dead child (who may, of course, have been an adult) will be very distressing for the parents. Perhaps, you could write letters (for the parents to sign) to inform the relevant organisations . Nowadays, when you register the death, you are given a form to send off, signed by relatives, to prevent junk mail.
If you have any photographs of the child, give copies to the parents, especially if they have not seen them before. Share your memories of the child: it will be reassuring to the parents that their child will not be forgotten. Don't be afraid of including amusing stories and occasions. Laughter may feel shocking at first, but it helps to put things into perspective by acknowledging the happy times with their child. If you can, write down your memories of their son or daughter: a letter or a card with some special reminiscences can bring a great deal of comfort. We recall events in the lives of older relatives who have died, but there seems to be a reluctance to talk in the same natural way about dead children.
Be prepared to give your support to the family over an extended period. This does not mean visiting daily - telephone, letter, email or postcard contact can be equally welcome and sustaining. Consistency, rather than frequency, is what is needed.
We hope you have found this useful; we would be glad to hear of any additional ways you have found of supporting bereaved parents known to you. Please write to us c/o the National Office. TCF produces a series of leaflets for both the bereaved and those who care for them. There may be one or two that would help you to appreciate the anguish the parents will be feeling. They are available from our office.
Bereaved parents will never forget your friendship and support at this sorrowful time; your caring response to their need will undoubtedly help them through the pain of learning to live without their child.
Suggested further reading, all available from our Postal Library
Because you care: practical ideas for helping those who grieve
Barbara Russell Chesser. USA, Word Books, 1987.
Gift of significance, The: walking with people through loss
USA, In-Sight Books, 1992.
How can I help?: how to support someone who is grieving
June Cerza Kolf. USA, Fisher Books, 1999.
Parental grief: solace and resolution
Dennis Klass. USA, Springer, 1988.
When your friend is grieving: building a bridge of love
Paula D'Arcy. USA, Harold Shaw, 1990.
Further information may be obtained from:
The Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol
BS3 1EN
Tel:- 0845 120 3785
This leaflet may be printed for personal use only. You can order one or more printed copies from our order page should you wish to pass this leaflet on to someone else.
This page is maintained by the TCF Webmaster
Copyright © 2000
by The Compassionate Friends.