Bereaved parents, whatever the age of their child, share similar emotions of sorrow and loss. There are, however, particular issues and emotions when an adult child has died, leaving their own child or children.
Grandparents grieve because their child is dead, because their child's partner is bereaved and because their grandchildren have lost a parent. They often wish they had died in their child's place, so that their son or daughter's family could have remained intact and secure. Grandparents have an overwhelming desire to make everything ‘all right', especially for the grandchildren, and the irreversibility of what has happened is very hard to endure.
Grandparents who live close by, actively supporting the rest of the family, will have less time for their own grieving, and will need to find time and space to mourn their dead child. Grandparents living some distance away have the continual anxiety of “How are my grandchildren coping?”, and “What can I do”.
Many grandparents will have had close, loving relationships with their adult child, with his or her partner and with their grandchildren. As a family they can comfort and support each other in their grief, helping with the practical problems which are created by the death of a child who is also a parent.
However, in time, their son or daughter's partner may enter into another relationship. This may be painful for bereaved parents as they attempt to adjust to someone else taking their child's place within the family. The grandchildren may find relating to a stepparent difficult and help for them may be sought from the National Stepfamily Association.* Problems in the complicated emotional development of a new family may stir up the children's grief feelings with thoughts like “Why did my real Mum or Dad have to die?”.
* National Stepfamily Association, Chapel House, 18 Hatton Place, London EC1N 8RU. Telephone: 0171 209 2460; helpline: 0990 168 388 (six hours a day)
As time passes, visits to the grandparents may become fewer as the new family puts down roots, especially if more children are born. This development will be an added reminder to the bereaved parents of their child's death, accentuating the yearning for ‘what might have been'.
Sometimes the surviving partner feels they can only cope with their loss by cutting themselves off from people and events connected with their previous life together. This may not be a permanent situation, but it can be very hurtful for grandparents if contact with their grandchild(ren) is lost. This rejection is an added burden. Parents who have had a difficult relationship with their child's partner may find access to their grandchild is denied them. Although grandparents can legally apply for contact through the courts, it is advisable to explore every other avenue first. The loss of family treasures, and the handing-on of the stories attached to them, can be a further sadness, emphasising the break in the family's continuity.
Even in the best circumstances, involvement with the changed family situation will often need tact, especially if decisions are made that the grandparents feel their dead child would not have liked.
‘Survival guilt' (feeling guilty that you have survived or are alive when others have died) is felt by many bereaved grandparents. Anger and bitterness can be added to the guilt if contact with their grandchildren is infrequent or denied. It can be hard to avoid conflict.
Nevertheless it is worth making great efforts to remain uncritical, so that all channels of communication are kept open. To achieve this goal, it is helpful if the grandparents can develop ways of coping with distressing emotions, both within them and around them. A good friend, who is willing to listen to feelings of grief, hurt and frustration, is an invaluable asset for bereaved grandparents struggling with difficult family relationships.
Some grandparents take on the care of their grandchildren, temporarily or permanently. These children will be in need of exceptional comfort and understanding; this can be emotionally, mentally and even physically demanding for grandparents whose own resources are strained by the death of their child. Teenage turbulence can be as challenging and exhausting as the intense physical effort needed to care for younger children.
Inevitably, some grandparents may put their grieving ‘on hold' while they look after their grandchildren. This unresolved grief can bring problems when a change occurs in the family, such as the child(ren) returning to the surviving parent.
Grandparents who have been asked by their dying child to look after his or her children may later find, to their distress, that they are unable to fulfil these expectations. Financial problems may further complicate the situation. It is important to be realistic and not to sink into guilt and depression - no parent can meet all the demands made upon them. We can only do our best in sometimes impossible circumstances.
Many grandparents and grandchildren find they can give one another crucial support, understanding and comfort, whilst drawing strength from each other; a very special relationship can grow from their shared sorrow. Children will have many anxieties at this time and it is best to answer their questions as simply and honestly as possible, however painful and difficult this may be for the grandparents. The Compassionate Friends (TCF) has leaflets and articles on children's grief and the differing ways they perceive death as they grow older. TCF's Postal Library has books about this, as well as books for children of all ages.
Staying in touch with the grandchildren - by sending cards and gifts on birthdays and at Christmas, as well as cards and letters in between - helps to keep the grandparents ‘alive' in the grandchildren's minds. If there has been conflict in the family, teenagers sometimes maintain contact with their grandparents without their parent or stepparent knowing. In these circumstances a great deal of sensitivity will be needed. When they become adult, many grandchildren will want to investigate their roots and, needing to know more of the parent who died, they will resume or develop their relationship with their grandparents.
Some grandparents write the life story of their son or daughter to give to their grandchild(ren) in later years. It may be a few pages or an album, and could include photographs, a family tree, certificates, drawings, newspaper cuttings, family stories. Hereditary medical conditions or allergies could be included.
The death of a child at any age is hard, but the support and understanding of others in a similar situation is a source of comfort to parents of all ages. This support can be found within The Compassionate Friends, on a one-to-one basis, in groups, by telephone or letter, through the quarterly publication Compassion and the Postal Library. There is also a special contact number for grandparents whose adult child has died, leaving a grandchild; details can be obtained from the National Office (see address below).
Although the early years of grief are painful and difficult, family relationships will move forward as the grandchildren become adult; in the meantime, it is worth working to keep relationships as harmonious as possible. The long-term presence of grandchildren can be a great solace for grandparents whose son or daughter has died.
Further information, and the contact number referred to above, may be obtained from:
The Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol
BS3 1EN
Tel No: 0845 123 2304
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by The Compassionate Friends.