When parents speak about their child, the word ‘child' could cover a wide age range, from a baby to a son or daughter who might be over fifty. In today's society, parents do not expect their child or children to die before them. Yet every year thousands of parents are faced with just this reversal of their expectation. Being responsible for the funeral arrangements in these circumstances will be particularly distressing for parents, but it can also become the final act of caring for their son or daughter. It is these parents, directly involved with you in your professional capacity, that we consider in this leaflet. The Compassionate Friends (TCF) recognises that much of the following will be normal practice for many funeral directors but, from the experience of some bereaved parents, this is not always so.
Bereaved parents are invariably in a state of shock when they first contact you. Even if the death was from a long-term condition and anticipated, the actual time of the loss is more painful than they had expected. Parents who are in emotional turmoil may find it hard to think clearly and make decisions; they will have difficulty with concentration and with memory. It is helpful if you can provide them with written information and options to think over in their own time and in their own familiar surroundings.
It is important that the parents meet and discuss the arrangements with the same funeral director who will be at the funeral itself: there may be two or three discussions before plans are finalised, and it is disconcerting for the family if they have to cope with meeting different people on different occasions.
Registering the death is emotionally very difficult, and can be difficult in practical terms too, with limited access and times of availability. You may feel it right to suggest that a relative or friend closely involved with the situation register the death if the parents so wish.
Parents do not anticipate having to arrange their child's funeral. They might well need help from you in looking at the choices open to them and each one will be painful for them. It is important that they do not feel hurried over this planning and preparation and that they can (within reason) take as much time as they need to consider the variety of possibilities before deciding on details. It is so very important that the right choices are made so that in the future there will be no regrets about things that were done or not done. In the long term, the funeral will become part of their healing, and parents need to be able to look back on it as the best they could possibly have done for their child. This does not, of course, mean spending the most money but planning a funeral that reflects their child's age, personality and place in their community.
Parents need to know that there is a variety of options as to where the funeral service takes place. For some, their place of worship may be the natural venue but there are other possibilities to consider, such as the home, the graveside, the crematorium chapel, or perhaps the village hall. At one time a religious service, followed by interment or cremation, was the norm, but people are now considering variations. In order not to be constrained by time, some people have the burial or cremation first, and then go to the religious or secular gathering place for the ceremony. Bereaved parents may be bewildered by too many options suggested to them, but it will help them to think over one or two, and to be encouraged to ask questions about what would suit them and be possible in practical terms. Additional time may be needed at the crematorium, and parents need to know that more than one time-period can be booked.
An early question to be decided will be that of burial or cremation, and this may be the most painful decision the parents have to make. Burials can now be in places other than a churchyard or public cemetery, and there may be local regulations about this. Following cremation, ashes may be dispersed at the crematorium but also in other places such as the garden, countryside, or the sea. Some families might choose to have the urn containing their child's ashes buried in a small plot in a churchyard (if that is permitted) or in a public cemetery. Some might not be aware of the fact that ashes can be kept at home for as long as they choose to keep them there; and again, parents can appreciate that there is no need for hurried decisions.
Parents, as well as other family and friends, may wish to see the child's body. Other children in the family may want to be included, and this will need to be discussed. The parents may need help in deciding what their son or daughter is to wear and whether they want to help dress their child or would prefer others to do this for them. The hairstyle is important, and you might like to ask for a recent photograph to be sure that this is right. If there is any significant change in the child's appearance (such as marks from a fatal accident, from a post-mortem or from the passage of time), it is important to warn the family before they see the body. If, for some reason, the parents have taken advice not to see their child, they might appreciate the opportunity to sit for a while in the presence of the closed coffin. Although so painful at the time, this quiet and private act could bring much solace in months and years to come.
Families like to have a record of this time and may want to take photographs, or ask you to do this for them. A lock of hair is often a most treasured memento or, where the child was very young, a hand- or foot-print. Perhaps you could provide a special card and envelope for these poignant keepsakes. Parents and other members of the family may want to include a favourite toy or some other special item in the coffin.
Sometimes parents choose to have the coffin resting at home in the days before the funeral; this can help them to accept the finality of their child's death, while still giving them the comfort that he or she is in their care until they say farewell.
The styles of ceremonies that are available will be a valuable starting point for discussions with the family. An early consideration might be whether members of the family would wish to carry the coffin themselves, or, if unable to do this, act as an ‘escort' to the coffin.
Whoever is conducting the ceremony, it is vitally important that they visit the family more than just once, so that the funeral is made relevant to the child. Even if it is felt best to follow the service exactly as laid down, a more individual contribution can be made by a family member or friend rather than a cleric who never knew the child.
The design, content and layout of the service or ceremony may be another way in which the parents would want to be involved. Poetry, prose and perhaps a photograph of the child could be included. There are opportunities, too, in the choice of hymns, music and readings, to reflect appropriately the child's life, experiences and interests. It will be necessary to check what equipment is needed and whether this is readily available. This will also apply if the family wishes to keep a recording of the funeral.
For a non-religious ceremony, conducted by themselves, a friend, or a celebrant from the British Humanist Society, the options may be wider, in both words and music. The latter could be chosen from a wide variety including nursery rhymes, pop music, folk songs, classical music, and readings from many sources.
The parents may welcome an offer from you to arrange for a newspaper announcement, and will want to agree the wording with you. The notice may include a request about flowers; ‘Please bring a flower with you' is one of the newer possibilities to discuss with the family. They may want donations to go to a charity, or to create a memorial fund at their child's school or sports club, or to endow a special place or project.
The family will later appreciate knowing who attended the funeral; it is difficult to take it all in at the time and memory can be hazy. Some funeral directors now supply cards for those people to fill in, or a list of names could be made as they enter, or a Book of Remembrance could be provided for people to sign. The family may also be pleased to have the cards that came with the flowers or, following a burial, choose to leave them there for a while for visitors to the grave to read.
You may need to help the parents with information about rights concerning burial plots in your area, and the costs. They also need to know about local regulations concerning types of memorial stones, and if there is any restriction on the wording or colour used, also of rules concerning fresh or artificial flowers.
The parents will need an itemised estimate of the cost of the funeral; they may find it very difficult to ask for this so please be prepared to offer it yourself. As you will know, if the family are receiving certain allowances or benefits, they may seek help from the Social Fund. If so, please suggest that it would be wise to ask the Benefits Agency for advice before they finalise any funeral arrangements.
TCF has produced a leaflet Preparing our child's funeral which we would ask you to pass on to the parents to read in their own time. Knowing that other bereaved parents have prepared the leaflet will be helpful to them, and they can make contact with TCF if they would like to do so. If an inquest is necessary, please do tell the parents of our leaflet On Inquests (in England and Wales).
The parents may welcome knowledge of other organisations working in this field. TCF can supply national addresses and telephone numbers for, among others, the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID), the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS), Support After Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM), Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS), and Victim Support. If you need these, please contact us at the address below.
Thank you for your time in reading these notes; we hope they have been helpful to you. Please do contact us if you have any comments or suggestions, or if there is any further information we can provide.
Further information can be obtained from:
The Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol
BS3 1EN
Tel:- 0845 120 3785
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by The Compassionate Friends.