Many strong emotions are aroused in a family when a child dies; fathers feel the same emotions as mothers, but how we experience these, how we deal with and express them can differ greatly from how a mother grieves.
Grief shows itself in many forms including shock, despair, anger and guilt, and fathers and mothers alike face these. There is no set order for when they are felt; sometimes one feeling dominates all others. At times we may feel guilty because we have not thought of our grief for a while – we may even have laughed at something – or we may feel guilt simply because we are numb and seem to have lost all the expected emotions.
Problems start with expectations of ourselves and of others, as well as the presumptions of the people around us, over what is the ‘correct' form for grief to take. It could be said that individuals, irrespective of gender, grieve differently, but traditionally expectations differ for women and men: women can cry in public, but men are expected to control themselves. Sometimes as a grieving father, our own grief can become buried in family obligations. Yet as a person in our own right, we may periodically want space and quiet time alone, so that we might assimilate the enormity of what has happened. We need to put our thoughts in some sort of order – or, at least, try to do so – and we should give ourselves the freedom to sob our heart out, perhaps in private, so as to break the dam of accumulated feelings.
How then are we going to cope with those around us? We are bombarded with strange and painful emotions. Some of our friends, neighbours, work colleagues and even some family members either avoid us, avoid any reference to our child who has died, or try to give advice on how we should be conducting ourselves. Faced with bereaved parents, phrases like ‘Time heals' or ‘You must be strong for your family' become familiar. We may soon learn that we have to try to remain calm in such exchanges and hope that we were more careful with our words before our bereavement. As a bereaved father, it is not unusual to be asked ‘And how is your wife?' Could this be a way of asking ‘How are you coping with your grief?'
It would be unusual for a father and a mother always to be in the same mood, at the same intensity of grief. This can create problems when one partner feels the other is insensitive to his or her feelings. We will be reacting at different times and in different ways to various and complex emotions. Often our child's mother is the strongest ally we have in surviving the loss of our child. She knows only too well what we are going through, and few others can give this understanding.
It is important to be aware that grief can be a wedge that may drive couples apart. Some marriages and relationships are broken by a child's death. Also today, many of us are part of a ‘blended' family where a father and a mother, each with their own children, are now together in one household. There are some different problems to face in such circumstances, following the death of a child.
Our surviving children have lost their sibling and they need special care from us. We need to support and guide them in any way we can, according to their age, by including them when we talk about their dead brother or sister; sharing our thoughts about how each of us feels about ways of remembering him or her. It is also important to recognize that we and our surviving children can gain strength and companionship through being with each other, without necessarily using words. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and other religious festivals may be difficult for us, especially in the first year.
If we are on our own for any reason, we often face different worries, and we may have no close adult with whom we can share our pain. If in these circumstances we have children to look after, then everyday problems could include running the home, and holding down a job.
We may be compelled - or wish - to return to work soon after the funeral of our son or daughter. We feel that we must continue to provide for our family, and some of us may be fearful of losing our jobs. Sometimes the workplace can seem to be a ‘retreat' from the pressures at home. Sometimes we may find it impossible to go back to the same job. When added to all the emotions around the loss of a child, these things can be extremely stressful, tiring and draining.
If we are fortunate, our employers will allow us to ease back into our job, asking colleagues to take on some of our usual workload. Among those around us at work, there will be people who find us difficult to deal with; there will be expressions of sympathy, but also embarrassment, awkwardness and anxiety. If there is a highly competitive situation, there is added pressure to get back to full speed. A quick return could also seem necessary if we are involved in a team project or work system, or if we are aware of and worried about our waiting customers. (See The Compassionate Friends' (TCF) leaflet Back at work.)
Thankfully, there can be work colleagues who show much kindness even when we are not easy to be with. They are willing to listen to us when we feel a need to talk about our dead child, both in the early days of our return to work, and after much time has passed.
Some fathers do not go out to work. We may choose to work from home for at least some part of our employment. We may be unemployed, disabled or retired. Whatever the reason, we will be around the house for much of the day and this can bring other problems. There will be less opportunity to interact with other people.
Grief such as we face in losing a child can bring lethargy, tiredness, sleeplessness and illness. However, our physical well-being is often a great asset in dealing with the emotional and mental aspects of grief. There can be much benefit from engaging in some form of physical exercise that leaves us tired and ready for sleep. At times we may feel that we have no energy to participate in such activity but if we push ourselves to do so, we can find relief from stress and feel better afterwards.
There should be no guilty feelings about resuming our former interest in some enjoyable leisure activities. But we may feel the need to rethink such things, sometimes choosing ones that give us space for ourselves alone, or sometimes preferring to share activities, perhaps with our partner (when that is possible), or with friends, especially those we have found to be supportive and understanding .
As the bereaved father, we may well have to deal with the formal requirements following the death of our child. If we are the next of kin of our adult son or daughter, we may be the one to carry out the complex and time-consuming legal formalities whether or not there is a Will. This is stressful and difficult and will most probably need a solicitor's involvement. The TCF leaflet The Death of an Adult child may be helpful here.
There are ways in which bereaved parents can find comfort after the death of a son or daughter. Many of us are helped by writing in the form of prose or poetry, about our deepest feelings or a particular memory. It doesn't matter what we do with the writings afterwards, though keeping them can be quite revealing when looking back after a period of time. It is important that we are prepared for the reality that in the years ahead, there will still be occasions when we become choked with emotion and have eyes filled with tears.
TCF has group meetings in many areas and can put bereaved fathers in touch with each other, by telephone, visits, letter or email. Some groups have a ‘fathers only' evening, and, if not, it is relatively easy to organise one. Many bereaved parents find that talking to others who have had similar experiences brings great comfort. TCF publishes a quarterly journal entitled Compassion and a range of leaflets; there is a Postal Library (address below) and a website at www.tcf.org.uk.
All these books are available, on loan, from the TCF Postal Library:
Into the valley and out again: the story of a father's journey Richard Edler, Merryweather Publishing (USA), 1996. ISBN 0-9652731-8-0
Swallowed by a snake: the gift of the masculine side of healing Thomas R Golden, Golden Healing Publishing, LLC (USA), 1996. ISBN 0-9654649-0-3.
When goodbye is forever: learning to live again after the loss of a child John Bramblett, Ballantine Books (USA), 1991. ISBN 0-345-36399-X.
When men grieve: why men grieve differently and how you can help Elizabeth Levang, Fairview Press (USA), 1998. ISBN 1-57749-078-9.
Further information may be obtained from
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