Sadly but inevitably, deaths occur abroad, and many of us in The Compassionate Friends (TCF) have suffered the loss of our son or daughter when they were far away from home. We have become bereaved parents and suffer, like others, the pain and disbelief of the early days of grief, but there are some particular aspects to our stories, at least in those early days.
If the family are together abroad when a child dies, the shock might be in our actually witnessing the event causing the death, or in being part of the immediate consequences. Many of us know very little, if anything, about the procedures and laws relating to a death in our own country, let alone a foreign one. In a strange place we have little knowledge about the local doctors, hospitals or any of the support services. We have to rely on local people at this time, and if we are fortunate, we may be able to access help from a member of a nearby British Consulate. Perhaps their help is even more valued when there are language difficulties. A problem with language is not only an added factor in describing details that must be passed on and recorded, but also a difficulty when we are trying to express our feelings to local people other than in our mother tongue.
As soon as possible, even when we are deep in shock, our thoughts turn to people back home and how to convey our terrible news to them. It can be important deciding whom to contact first, perhaps avoiding people who we know are alone, elderly or frail. If some close family or friends are able and willing to travel out to join us, we can find this reassuring, but some of us have valued a few days with our own grief before having to cope with everyone else's as well.
In conveying news of a death abroad, we have to consider, among so many other things, that speed is essential. We know that the press, radio and television networks are interested in events such as the death of a UK citizen while abroad. Hopefully, the media will act with care and consideration, checking that next of kin are informed before a full story ‘breaks', but quite a few people may hear first through the news networks. This early role of the media applies to the situation when our child dies abroad and we are at home. Major disasters around the world really do capture the headlines, when tragedy comes with many killed, perhaps in an airliner crash or in a natural disaster like an earthquake. We may have only a vague idea that our son or daughter is on that flight or in that area, but there are painful and uncertain times until detailed news comes through. A telephone call from abroad – Were we expecting the voice of our son or daughter? – perhaps from one of our child's friends, or from a foreign law officer could bear the news that will change our lives. Or our local police may bring the terrible news of our child's death
From the start, distance itself is an obvious problem for us. The place that will now feature large in our lives may be a ten-hour flight away, or have an eight-hour time difference from us. We may worry about exactly when our child died and have difficulty relating it to our own lives. Did the death happen at 11pm (local time) or do we think of it as though he or she died when we were on our way to work the ‘next day'? Strange thoughts like these can linger over the years to come when we fix the date and time of death in our memory.
Distance and language differences of course, also mean extra costs and complications in all the arrangements and procedures that we need to go through. Where our child dies in a country with a language unfamiliar to us, the problems and costs of translating documents such as death certificates, legal procedures and papers, can mount up; if the written material is not even in a European language but in an Indian or an Oriental one, or maybe in Arabic, or Hebrew or the Cyrillic alphabets, then it can not only be costly, but perhaps bewildering or even frightening. In these circumstances, we hope to be able to trust the translations and to know that they are full and complete.
Many of us quickly turn our thoughts to deciding whether or not to go out to the place where our child has died. Help could be sought from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office at home or the Consulate abroad. (See references at the end of the leaflet). The support and encouragement of family and friends are important at this time, and our other children if we have any, can be a strong influence on us. Our decision to go will depend on basic factors such as finances, our age, health, and dependants. The reasons that draw us to visit are varied. There may be legal matters; the young people who were with our son or daughter when the death occurred may want or even need us there. We might simply feel that we must go. We may want and need to discover the truth of how our child died, however painful that is to us.
If we do travel, our journey might be very long and tiring. In some cases our child had been on an exciting and adventurous trip to a remote area in very difficult terrain: not the place to reach easily. Our journey can seem unreal, especially when we are in deep shock. Perhaps while travelling we might still be hoping that the initial identification was wrong and the dead person had stolen our son or daughter's passport so that a mistake had been made? Strong emotions can overcome us when we arrive and when we have to face the reality of dealing with our child's body. Some of us have hurried out because there has been the need to deal with this speedily, and sometimes, however hard we tried, we have been too late. In some parts of the world the climate or custom demands either a prompt local burial (not at all what we might want) or embalming or even cremation. In a case where murder or manslaughter is a possible cause of death, families should be made aware that cremation would destroy important evidence.
If we are fortunate, family and friends rally round. Help may come from our child's employer, school or college, our own employers, or it may come from the tour company. Sadly, however, some of us look back on these early times and feel that we were let down by agencies from which we expected more.
For those of us who have stayed at home, there can be a long wait and there can be feelings that nothing has changed. Yet everything has. We may have to deal with post mortems, police enquiries, transport of our child's body home, and possibly legal proceedings in a civil or a criminal court. We consider funeral arrangements even though it might not be possible to set a date, and we continue to see to the basic needs of our family . Kindness and compassion from the professionals involved in all these procedures and tasks is invaluable. Travel insurance can cover the cost of bringing a body back home. The role of an efficient and caring funeral director at each end of the journey can be very important, especially as there can be problems relating not only to arrangements for bringing the body back home but also in dealing with coroners and the handling of a death certificate. International specialists in overseas funeral direction and repatriation are available now and an address is given on the Foreign and Commonwealth Office leaflet referred to at the end.
It is not always possible for our child's body to be flown home with us when we return from our stay abroad. Airlines vary in their helpfulness and by this time a coffin is regarded as ‘freight'. This is hard to bear. We would want our child's body to be treated with respect to continue our parenting to the end. Those parents who have been distressed by the need for speedy cremation may feel comforted by carrying their child's ashes with them on their shared journey home.
Seeing the body of our child is often a nightmare, but many bereaved parents prefer to face this ordeal if given the choice. However, circumstances of the death abroad can mean that this is not possible; in this case there may be photos in records that we could ask to see, have and keep for later when we feel stronger. Again a good funeral director would help us in this if at all possible, and may even suggest that we could touch perhaps a hand or have a lock of hair. If we have had a funeral with only immediate family present, we may choose to have a thanksgiving or memorial service later, inviting those who knew our son or daughter.
Sadly, a few families have had no body to see, touch or bury. Our son or daughter has not been found. Without the painful procedures and rituals of mourning, our powerful needs can go unmet.
There are often many questions left unanswered and distance can make finding the answers more difficult if not impossible. Some of us experience delay, frustration and anger when our child's death leads to legal proceedings abroad. Trials can take years to come to court and families may travel out more than once, only to have the case adjourned. In some countries barriers may be raised against families who ask questions that imply blame. Some families are left with the strong suspicion that corruption has affected the outcomes of proceedings. We need the advice of a good, home-based lawyer with knowledge of the laws in the foreign country.
For a time, the very name of the country where our child died can cause pain, and we try to avoid it whenever possible. However, sooner or later some of us feel that we want to visit, to see what our child saw, perhaps to understand why he or she liked the area and its people so much. If they were living abroad, we go to meet their friends and colleagues. Those of us who do pay a later visit often go with considerable apprehension, and travelling with a good friend can be a support and a comfort. We might contact the TCF International Liaison Officer to see if there can be help from one of our members in the country we plan to visit. Some parents see this time as right for taking our other children to the place, so that they can fill the gaps in their understanding. On visits, items can be gathered for a ‘Memory Box' that we might be building up.
If our child was married or had a partner, we would hope to build or maintain a good relationship with them. If they had children, we strongly desire to see our grandchildren grow and develop. We want to be a part in their lives and have them in ours. This might be very difficult with so many miles between us, but emails can be a good way of keeping in touch.
This leaflet cannot cover every set of circumstances faced by parents whose child has died abroad. But it is based on The Compassionate Friends' aim of helping people understand that we are not alone, that others have passed this way and feel much the same as we do, even though our stories may be quite different. We present some of the experiences of different families and look at problems faced, avoided or overcome. TCF is grateful for all the contributions from bereaved families
Each one of us hopes to find a way to survive. We find ways of honouring our child's life that we could not have envisaged earlier. Perhaps those of us who become linked so closely to a place far away also come readily to appreciate that our dear son or daughter is now with us always, wherever we go.
Having read this leaflet, you may find the following useful:
TCF's leaflet On Inquests (in England and Wales)
The Foreign and Commonwealth Office. They now produce a leaflet called Death Overseas – Advice for Relatives and Friends. This refers particularly to the role of a British Consul abroad, as well as the help available from London. Their address is:
Foreign and Commonwealth Office
Consular Division
Old Admiralty Building
London SW1A 2PA
Tel: 020 7008 0218 or Web: www.fco.gov.uk/
The Law Society
Support After Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM now has an Abroad group); Tel: 020 7735 3838
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